Picking the right partner
Looking at a potential partner as a person, not just sex
When looking for a wife they need to be kind, clever and pretty in that priority order. That is the secret to a marriage that will last a lifetime.
Needs to be someone that genuinely cares about you and is nice to you.
For a man it needs to be a lady that really genuinly does want to look after the man.
It is very easy to men to be ruled by sexual attraction, so to go for someone who is pretty as a first priority. However having a life together is about a relationship that encompasses all of life, buying a home, caring for people when they are sick, children and all of the decisions. So a man needs to get on with his wife like a friend and a valued companion. That is why the first priority is that a man’s wife needs to be kind.
A man can just want to go for the beautiful girl to fall in love with, like diving off a cliff. Need to look at the lady as a person separate from the sexual attraction. Need to look under the surface, what are they really like as a person.
Be okay with being single
A person has to be able to spend time by themselves to find out what they are like as a person and what they are like.
Also if a person cannot cope with being single and being alone, they will pick one of the first people they meet. However they should go on many dates with many people and not just go with one of the first people, as they cannot cope with being single.
Needs to be that you have the same values, so that when make decisions they are the same ones and there is no conflict. For example these may be decisions about:
▪whether to honest, or dishonest
▪pay your taxes or not pay them
▪be polite or be pushy to get ahead
▪the children’s schooling
▪types of holidays, activities and what to do
▪where to live
▪and so on
This is especially as the two people will be living a life together.
The lady really wants you
The man must not lead with his money, status, saying wants to have children etc.
Of course a degree of it is needed for the woman to find the man attractive, but more than a certain amount means that if the man leads with it, the woman probably wants him just for these things and not to have the man himself.
The man should be able to tell if the lady just wants him for these things.
It is very easy in the man’s eagerness for sex or to pull the woman to use these things as his primary bait for attracting the woman. The man finds out what the women wants and offers these things. However with modern divorce laws, the woman can get these things, divorce him and take these things from him to get them, but without him.
So the man needs to be careful that the woman really wants him for just him. He needs to have one the lady over with charm, romance, chivalry and his personality.
Normally split second comments, movements, expressions or gestures done by the lady will in time give the lady’s true intentions away. Intuition and feelings also mean that a man should be able to tell. However the hormones of ‘falling in love’ can cloud a lot of his judgement.
The man may even have to do tests like pretending has lost a lot of money, not wanting to have children, might be loosing his job and not able to get another one etc to be sure.
A man needs to insure that finds a lady who genuinely likes them and wants to take care of them. And lady who is a giving person and not just a taker.
The right person
When dating, the kind of conversation will determine the kind of lady the man gets. If you talk about superficial stuff, he will attract a superficial woman.
The lady also needs to be of a calibre and have interests that will keep him interested and engaged. If for example the man is a university professor, he needs to make sure he goes out with a lady who is of that type and as close as possible to himself. A waitress party girl maybe attractive and fun at first, but building a life together and lack of proper interesting conversation etc. means it will not last.
People do not change
People very rarely change, it takes lifetime, after lifetime after lifetime for people to change even a bit.
Please do not assume that a marriage, relationship, having children etc. will change the person.
Definitely do not go into a relationship to rescue somebody. Can rescue somebody outside a relationship, but then not be dragged down down by having a relationship with them, where they then have power over you and can wreck your life.
How to treat your partner
A wife needs to realise that if they are going to scream and shout at the man, they will blow out the light of love. This is because the man will associate their wife with being abused and have to put up a barrier to protect themselves from their wife. This of course means that love cannot flow.
People often think that once they are married it gets easier and they do not have to put in so much work anymore. Actually it gets more difficult and one has to put in more work to keep it alive, or the marriage will come to an end.
Marriage is hard, never take each other for granted, keep expressing that you love each other, buying presents and so on.
Even when having problems in life with money, work, dishwasher breaking down etc. Still need to spend time and energy doing fun things, giving thoughtful things to each other. Need to still show the lady how much you love her, be romantic etc.
A relationship is also ever changing, moving on and developing, is not just something that is created and stays the same.
Need to be careful is not just sexual attraction, need make sure you get on as friends. The sexual attraction can blind a person from judging if the other person is nice as a person and someone they actually get on with as a friend. You need to feel comfortable and happy with each other.
Great sex is also of course important.
Needs to be someone you have things in common with.
Need to listen to the lady, she may say that the man is not doing enough and she may (or may not) be right.
Ultimately it only works if each person cares about the other and this is not just a sex thing.
They also have to value a partnership to go through life with and companionship and this is also not just a sex thing.
Compromise is also important, but as in all things, there are good and bad compromises.
The man puts the lady first
It is very easy for a man to stop putting the lady first. He may start putting work trips, social and other things before seeing her. Maybe even meaning they organise things such as when and where to do things. The lady will see this as not putting her first and will end a marriage.
So once married need to ensure still spending loads of time with your wife, or are being a bad husband.
This section is what I learned from ‘Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits’.
The Atlantic, Emily Esfahani Smith, The Atlantic. It was also in Business Insider Magazine.
Interest in and support with in the other, who they are, what they do etc. Have to fulfil partner’s need for this.
Helps get trust and intimacy, which makes them more emotionally and so physically comfortable.
Otherwise deteriorates into fear of the other person and so aggression.
Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
Must scan the partner for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. So building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.
Must scan the partner for what the partner is doing right, respecting them and expressing appreciation.
People need to make their partner feel worth a lot, visible and valued.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.
There’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
In some people, the kindness ‘muscle’ is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. A person has to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
Need to be kind even when you are tired, stressed, or distracted, life is hard. Also even if in a fight with your partner.
If angry, say to partner why you are angry, because of what has happened to you, so they understand why you are angry, not just attack them.
A bad sign is if a couple cannot be happy together, shared joy, when one of them has a success. When one person says their good news, the other should stop what is doing and engage wholeheartedly with them, congratulating them and asking more about it.
Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.
Need to be tolerant that you and your partner can be very different people, with different values, ideas, characteristics, natures etc.
This is fine as what matters are things that are important, examples are that they are loyal, will look after you etc.
Chasing and wooing the lady
The worst thing that a man can do is take the woman for granted, this can easily happen as the relationship goes on and on.
The man thinks he has her now and how does not have to put any effort and she will just stay around anyway. This can especially happened once married a think now have the person.
However the fairy tale for a girl is the man who loves the girl so much that will do anything for her, give her gifts and will do anything for her to be happy. The man loves her so much he is continually working out what new things and different he can do for her and does them. So the man man must do this everyday, otherwise for the girl it the feelings for him dies. Then the girl gets resentful at what a useless man she has.
Some people stop having a relationship with someone because they get bored.
However what about being at peace with someone?
They are actually stopping the relationship because they miss the adrenaline rush and excitement of chasing the person.
Stopping a relationship for this reason is self sabotage.
Keep it going
When you first meet there’s the loving connection.
Then it starts to get hard as you don’t have the same sexual interest in each other that you did when things were new, you can start to get bored with each other. Life can be difficult and you can get annoyed by things which can affect the relationship.
You have to make sure you don’t lose your temper and succumb to these things
So you keep being affectionate with your partner and appreciating them. Without this it will fall apart.